When you’ve had a loved one taken away from you, there can be many triggers in life. And none as great as holidays, and birthdays. Christmas is traditionally about family and being together and that’s the sharpest cut to the heart of all.

I follow Donna Ashworth on Facebook and tiktok, and her poems have helped me put words to how I feel, make sense of the jumbled up mess of emotions, and ease me through.

“On those days when you miss someone the most, as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone, remember how they loved you.

Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.

In their name, in their honour.

Love yourself, as they loved you.

They would like that.

On those days when you miss someone the most,

love yourself harder.“

Donna Ashworth, author

Christmas comes hand in hand with a number of traditions which can be linked to memories of the person you are grieving. This can leave you feeling upset, especially when you aren’t able to do these traditions in the same way. It feels like everything has changed.

But to help you get through this difficult time, consider the traditions and what they mean for you and those around you. And you can change them slightly or completely, and start new ones.

Starting a new tradition may also help the children in your family, particularly if they’re struggling too. It can be difficult for anyone to know how to act when the people they love are grieving, Some find new ways to remember the person you’re missing during this time which can bring you together as a family.

Buying or making your own Christmas ornament or bauble to remember those who have died. If a photograph feels too much, then perhaps use a ribbon of their favourite colour or a sentimental object.

You can use their old Christmas decorations or tree, as a sentimental option.

You could write a Christmas card or letter out to them, You can decide as a family whether you then would like to share these out-loud or keep them private.

Having a small Christmas tree or memory wreath set up somewhere within your home in honour of the person who has gone. You could decorate this tree or wreath with their favourite colours, photographs, any meaningful objects or messages.

Making a paper chain with a message or memory of the person you’re grieving for written on to each ‘link’.

Buying a big candle in honour of them and lighting it for periods of reflection and remembrance.

Making an object or cash donation to a charity you know the person you are grieving would have supported in their honour.

Setting a place at the dinner table for the person who is not there or making a toast to them at the Christmas meal.

Decorating their headstone or plaque on Christmas Day.

Representing the person who has died through an object or symbol in your annual family Christmas photograph, if that’s something you do.

Now I’ll be absolutely honest, I struggle to do any of these, it’s all too raw, and painful. I accept I’m not ready yet, we try to almost gloss over and not dive into emotions for the sake of others and ourselves, but that’s not to say it’s not a deeply reflective time, and we do our grieving more privately. We try our best to be upbeat and happy when we visit family.

On one of the most whimsical and fairytale like walk around Errwood Hall, we found the most beautiful shrine, nestled near a wood.

The ruins of Errwood was sadly fenced off for repairs, so we couldn’t explore as we had planned. But no matter, we headed off to the family cemetery plot, and sat for a while deep in thought for those passed.

Baby frogs and crickets walked and jumped alongside us, the sun was glorious and the trees dabbled the sun for us, so we didn’t feel baked.

We came across the most beautiful shrine, just outside the trees, a round stone building with an altar, and lots of notes for loved ones who have passed.

What a day to find this, deep in our grief this day I knew would be a day of remembering, and we chose to do a walk to lift our spirits, instead this walk made us think more, but not in a bad way, instead we noticed the butterflies following is, the beautiful frogs, the crickets chirping, and birdsong, it felt like signs all around us.

Usually my #Blogmas is gift guides and all things light, but that’s not my reality. So I have to touch upon how I feel about the holiday season. I know the title says Grief at the Holidays, but if anyone has experience with this, they will know it’s actually All Day Every Day. But some days we can busy ourselves for a few hours and everything looks fine, but the minute your alone with your thoughts it comes crashing down again. Guilt, Depression, Emotions are all high at the moment. And that’s without extra forced you must be happy and excited all the time holiday season.

Acknowledge that the run up to the holiday can be just as emotional as the day itself, and that memories are often popping up when you least expect it, and can floor you. Maybe while honouring some old time traditions it’s time to start some new ones. But even that can cause great distress and a surge of emotions, like you are letting go before you are ready, so always go at your own pace. This is not a few months and we are moved on process, this is years and years, or always for some and that’s ok too.

Some Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays
Set realistic expectations for yourself. Realise that different is ok too. Decide if you can still handle past responsibilities and expectations. Examine the tasks and events of celebrating and ask yourself if you want to continue them. Accept others’ offers to cook, shop, decorate, etc. Consider shopping by phone, Internet or catalog this year if you feel a need to avoid crowds or memories.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Share your plans with family and friends and let them know of changes in holiday routines. Memories can sometimes be a source of comfort to the bereaved, so share them by telling stories and looking at photo albums. But also realise that this is ‘too much’ for others in the denial stage. (My stage for sure!!)

It is OK to avoid some circumstances that you don’t feel ready to handle, but don’t isolate yourself. Make some time for solitude, remembering and grieving, but balance it with planned social activities.

Allow yourself to feel joy, sadness, anger – allow yourself to grieve. It is important to recognize that every family member has his/her own unique grief experience. No one way is right or wrong. Experiencing joy and laughter during a time of grief does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.

Take care of yourself. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate your mood. Try to avoid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Physical exercise is often an antidote for depression. Writing in a journal can be a good outlet for your grief. Give yourself permission to buy something frivolous and indulgent, just because.

Create a new tradition or ritual that accommodates your current situation. Some people find comfort by honoring traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. Discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year. Some examples of new rituals and traditions include:

A particular new ornament for the tree, to represent your loved one. This can be hard for some though, accept both are right. Light a candle so you are honouring their presence with you. Buy flowers and visit the cemetery or place that’s special to them. Have a toast and moments of silence to honour them.
Plan a meal with your loved ones’ favorite foods.
The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one. The best coping mechanism for the holiday season is to plan ahead, get support from others and take it easy. Take expectations off yourself.

Today marks the end of summer, as Samhain or ‘Sow een’ translates to summer’s end. And now we embrace the Darker half of the year. While remembering loved ones and our ancestors, it’s a time of reflection and withdrawing into oneself.

We would have been either up Whitby for the Goth Weekend, or down Cornwall for the Dark Gathering as this time of year is hugely busy for us, and we take our most special times away here. But this year we have our daughters Graduation on the 1st All Hallows Day, All Saints Day, so we are being sensible and staying home to plan for that.

But there are things we can do at home, light a candle for the spirits, make beautiful hearty food to prep us for winter, eat apples in a crumble to honour the time of year, and leave our offerings outside. And hopefully if the weather permits some fire to sit around and watch.

The veil is at its thinnest, so people will light their candles to guide loved ones home, so light a candle, add some oils or herbs, and put near a photo.

We have family things to do the next day, so we won’t be doing much ourselves, probably do things slowly over the month of November, to truly appreciate the darker months and pay our respects.